Broken Silence

noise

2011-03-01T18:05:00.001-05:00

i'm surrounded by noise
chatter
laughter
clinking
i'm blessed, for most days
i am not alone
yet here i am
in silence
while the world spins
unblinkingly around me

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upsidedown

2010-11-15T12:05:00.001-05:00

i'm feeling
upsidedown
disoriented
confused
I don't know
which way is up
or why i'm down

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destination unknown

2010-11-09T19:51:00.000-05:00

anymore these days i wonder
what the hell am i doing?
how the hell did i get here?
where the hell am i going?

i just don't know
my current destination
unknown
traveling the road
hopin to find the way home

there are so few certainties
yet so many paths to choose
all seem to end in pain
where's the yellow brick road?

alone

2010-10-10T20:34:00.000-04:00

alone
isolated
forlorn
apart
lonely
cynical
depressed
futile
empty
rejected
unworthy
bereft
depleted
godforsaken
wanting
without
naked
exhausted
alone

empty

2010-10-10T20:26:00.001-04:00

there is an emptiness

unexplainable

unequivocal

that consumes my soul

so here i sit

empty

staring at the

blink

ing

cur

sor

wishing i could only

get out this

emptiness

that seems to fill me

i'm still here

2010-09-17T18:39:00.000-04:00

i'm so intrigued by
joaquin's breakdown
cause sometimes
i feel like i'm there

the spotlight's on
come follow me
as i try
desperately
to find myself
as i fail
desperately
and fuck it all up

they like me
they really like me

fuck it

i don't care
but oh god how i do

please like me
please please like me

care that my life
is going down the tubes

save me
god please save me

cause in the end

i'm still here

hurt

2010-08-30T22:16:00.001-04:00

"Hurt"
Michael Trent Reznor

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end

You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

midas

2010-08-16T11:34:00.000-04:00

all i touch
turns to ruin
my intentions
all for naught

though my intent
was not of greed
instead of giving
it matters not

in my wake lies
a trail of pain
all whom i touch
i'm bound to ruin

forgotten

2009-12-07T21:11:00.000-05:00

i've forgotten so much
my grief
my pain
my joy
my love

it's all become a mad dash
and what for?

it's about time to change
but change ain't easy

so what now to answer
this what for?

for me goddamnit
for me
for my family
for my wife
for my children
for me
for me
for me

the trouble is
my attempts
are paths of failure
so though it is
for me
it's a whole lot of
the same old shit

it's about time to change
but change ain't easy

so what now to answer
this what for?

for me goddamnit
for me
for my family
for my wife
for my children
for me
for me
for me

what to do?
where to go?
anywhere but there...
i'm not yet broken
i'm really shattered
held together by some
unseen thread

to go there
upon my knees
will be the undoing
the undoing of all
of me
me
me
me

the moment

2009-10-20T22:02:00.000-04:00

realized tonight been waiting for a moment
the moment to happen
the moment to happen when everything is
just better
better than it was, has been, will be

realized yet again been spinning circles
the moment hasn't happened
the moment won't happen when everything is
just better
cause life just is, has been, will be

realizing tonight that waiting for a moment
the moment means missing
the moment means missing so many that are
just better
cause life just is, has been, will be

forging ahead

2009-04-07T22:19:00.001-04:00

I have decided to start another blog. Go here for more info:

http://intentionalspace.blogspot.com/

the derailed train of my thoughts

2008-12-22T20:06:00.000-05:00

it's been a long time since i've written anything here
sharing my heart, silently screaming to those who care,
to those who check here now and again when work is too much
when their lives are too full, and a little dose of the other
is needed to escape the reality of life, to sincerely check in
to wonder, to explore, to peep at the heart of one who does
his best to offer it honestly, truly, without holding back

so here i sit, in the middle of nowhere, wondering
how the hell did i end up here
i miss Seattle
i miss my Friends
i miss The City, the culture, the people
i miss the business, the climate, the water, the mountains,
what I wouldn't give to wake up and see Rainier,
to have papers due, to have topics to discuss,
to have reading groups, to have anything of the life that i once knew

i miss my Friends
i miss Seattle
i feel all alone
in the middle of a frozen tundra
with no one who knows me
with no one who knows what the fuck
to "pursue" means let alone to actually
pursue
me

damn transitions are hard
i am only a student on paper,
earning my final credits,
i think i had forgotten how difficult,
and shallow the rest of the world was
outside the walls of MHGS

God i want take the blue pill,
can't i take it all back?
because the path i've gone down is
irrevocable
inconceivable
isolated
impossible

what am i to do?
i'd do anything for
hope
direction
connection
meaning
community

God give me
something
anything
a sign
a nod
a wink
a nudge
a point in the right direction
a hint that i'm ok
a feeling
a purpose
a hope

a hope

God give me hope

just a little hope

please, God, give me hope

numb

2008-06-09T01:47:00.000-04:00

why is my default mode always return to me being
numb
what is it that has made me so desperately desire to be
numb
i'm getting so sick and tired of always wishing i were
numb
and what is it that i even want to escape from
numb
today was a good day full of life and energy
numb
but something nagging clawing in the recesses of my mind
numb
desperately wants for me to be nothing but
numb
why does this underlying current become a tidal wave
numb
Goddamnit i just want it to go away
numb

numb

numb
please make it go away
numb

numb

numb

numb

numb
please make me go away

comfort

2008-05-19T14:18:00.000-04:00

i take comfort knowing
that you're always here
no matter what i do or say
at the end of the day
you'll be there with me

so thank you for sticking by
as i fumble through my new life
my defenses are down
it scares me to death
and how how i mess it up

i take comfort knowing
that you're always here
no matter what i do or say
at the end of the day
you'll be there with me

soon

2008-05-04T23:18:00.000-04:00

dear boys,

soon. soon you will have your daddy back. soon we'll get to interact and play. daddy's learning how to put you first, but i'm not too good at it yet. trains and cars seem so unimportant to me some days, but i know they're one of your favorite parts of the day. i don't want you to grow up in front of the t.v., yet how often do i plop you there? soon. soon life will return to normal - though this is the only life you have known. daddy won't be too busy soon. daddy wants to spend so much more time with you. soon. soon.

love,
daddy

more words when i have none

2008-04-29T03:35:00.000-04:00

Mad World
Gary Jules

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, Worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going nowhere, Going nowhere

Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, No expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrows
No tomorrow, No tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which i'm dying, Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its a very very
Mad World, Mad World

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
And they feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, Sit and listen

Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, No one knew me
Hello teacher tell me whats my lesson
Look right through me, Look right through me

And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which i'm dying, Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very very
Mad World, Mad World

Enlargen your world

Mad World

reconstruction

2008-04-24T15:24:00.000-04:00

the buttresses have be knocked down
what's left is barely standing
if the earth shakes or wind blows
the whole building might implode

but its worth saving, this broken temple
reconstruction isn't nearly as quick
as the wrecking ball that swept away
the cracked, hazardous supports

the question is, whether or not
what's left will keep standing
while the slow, toiling work of
redemptive reconstruction occurs

worth a listen

2008-03-05T02:08:00.000-05:00

these songs have been on repeat in my head these days, thought i would share...

Falling Slowly
Glen Hansard

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You've made it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along

Waiting for a Superman (Is it getting heavy??)
The Flaming Lips

Asked you a question
I didn't need you to reply
Is it gettin' heavy?
But they'll realize
Is it gettin' heavy?
Well I thought it was already as heavy
As can be

Is it overwhelming
To use a crane to crush a fly?
It's a good time for Superman
To lift the sun into the sky

'Cause it's gettin' heavy
Well I thought it was already as heavy
As can be

Tell everybody
Waitin' for Superman
That they should try to hold on
Best they can
He hasn't dropped them
Forgot them
Or anything
It's just too heavy for Superman to lift

Is it gettin' heavy?
Well I thought it was already as heavy as can be.

Tell everybody
Waitin' for Superman
That they should try to hold on
Best they can
He hasn't dropped them
Forgot them
Or anything
It's just too heavy for Superman to lift

deep

2008-03-05T01:42:00.000-05:00

today it sank deep, the realization
that three years isn't really enough
when your world has been transformed
and life has been turned upside down

so i wept
deeply
because i was
broken hearted
tired
scared
uncertain

today it sank deep, the realization
that all i have come to know and believe
the community that i've grown to love
will all be over in just five months
and i don't know what to do with that

nothing left

2008-03-02T00:29:00.000-05:00

i've got nothing left
to give
to offer
to try
and i don't think i even care

it's the same thing
over and
over and
over again
so why should i care

nothing changes regardless of
what i do
what i say
what i try
i just want it all to be done

while i'm at it

2008-02-11T00:58:00.000-05:00

just thinking about you makes me come close to losing control
i want to tell you that i fucking hate you that you suck at your job
that all i am and was to you is a paycheck and that i was too much for you
you didn't know what to do with me so you did nothing
i think i scared the shit out of you and you were too afraid to tell me
i was too much like you and you couldn't handle it
or is it that you really don't have any fucking idea about what you're doing?
you obviously don't give a shit since it's been a month without a word

so what do i do now, huh?
what the fuck do i do?
i'm so fucking angry at you, but i've never been someone to say it
i bottle it up inside until i explode, usually only harming myself in the process
you're not fucking worth that
why did you just let me go?
why didn't you come after me?
thanks for nothing

heavy

2008-02-11T00:41:00.000-05:00

i don't know what to do
with the weight of so much
that is unknown yet known
all too well

it seems that it's holding
stronger pushing further
into the depths of darkness
that is unknown yet known
all too well

i come so close to giving in
if i let go i'll explode
so i hold on tighter
desperately grasping at control
like grains of sand slipping
through my clenched hands

tighter and tighter i squeeze
grinding my teeth and my soul
trying to regain control
desperate to prevent the impending
machination of anger and hate
that overwhelms me to the core

i am terrified of what i am
of what i've become
but where the fuck did it
all come from - this all
used to be so neatly buried
but now it weighs heavily
upon my back like the
weight of the world

the weight is so heavy that
i cannot bear it alone
yet i cannot bear it with you
all that is unknown yet
all that i have known
all too well

anxiety is back up

2007-12-10T17:04:00.000-05:00

well what do you know
i've done it again
created a lovely little space
where i've got to cram it all in
the stress is seeping from my pours
why do i do this?
am i so masochistic
that i have to repeat these patterns
creating harm after harm after harm?
every post i've ever written is true
i want to consume, rage, destroy
anything...everything
god damn it i get so fucking tired of this

content

2007-09-29T00:44:00.000-04:00

why can't i be content
just happy with something anything
not needing more and more and more
cause it seems like
no matter what more i seek
it only leaves me
more empty than i was before

intercession

2007-09-26T00:48:00.000-04:00

this weekend i prayed
from the depths of my soul
the rawness of my heart
this weekend i prayed

it's been a long time,
too long, since i prayed
most days i say, fuck it
there's no point, i'm alone
God either doesn't care
or isn't going to do anything
so why bother

but i've come to realize
that i'm amidst God's
blessed night,
and my creator has been
with me through it all

so where do i go from here?
i want to pray
but don't know how,
don't think i deserve it,
and don't know if it matters

so maybe, like in
every aspect of my life
i need you, others, anyone
to pray for me, on my behalf
because i can't do it
i can't do it on my own
whether i know you or not
you're there, maybe
in your own darkness and despair,
but maybe, like me,
you can pray for others,
but not for yourself
God you know our hearts,
why do You make this so hard?

exhausted

2007-09-26T00:41:00.000-04:00

i am exhausted
from work
from school
from being a father
from being a husband
from trying to please
from cooking and cleaning
from being patient and kind
from meetings and groups
from reading and writing
from from battling for what is right
from failing and losing the battle
from being in community
from being alone
most of all
i'm exhausted
from just being me

more than i can handle

2007-09-21T02:08:00.000-04:00

what am i supposed to do
with the millions of pieces
of me that i hate

the darkness that i despise
is my heart drowning
in the dark cold waters
of my sin, guilt, and shame

i cannot give them to you
because you would hate them too
my darkness isn't nearly
as pretty as i make it out to be

it's easy to describe
all that i hate that is me
in broad strokes that leave behind
no details only blackness

darkness that cannot be
penetrated by your words
or presence or stares
separates me from you

and that is ultimately
all i can handle
you over there

because you, here,
holding the dark brokenness
that is my heart
is more than i can handle

splinters

2007-09-19T02:56:00.001-04:00

i.can't.let.go.........................
because.it'll....all...................
......fall...........apart.............
a.......million........little....pieces
...of.my..........darkened.heart...
.........and.soul......................
will.fall............like.shards.of....
......glass.and........................
................no.one.................
.will.....reach............out.........
.......................................
to..catch...........the.falling......
.......................................
s...........i.........t......r.........
.....p..........n......................
....................................s..
...........................e...........
.........l.............................
.......................................
...in..................................
...............their...................
.......................................
.........................hands.......
.......................................

clinging

2007-09-19T02:56:00.000-04:00

i'm desperately clinging
to the darkness that engulfs me
to the lies i hide behind
to the self hate that consumes me
to the pain i can't seem to escape

used

2007-09-17T19:18:00.000-04:00

how many times have i used you
it doesn't matter who or what you are
but i have
and i do
because all too often
i only think of me
my needs wants desires
if you'll make me better
i'll use you
if you'll make me forget
i'll use you
if you'll let me escape
i'll use you
i'll use you
i'll abuse you
until there is no more you
until there is no more me

grace

2007-09-09T02:48:00.000-04:00

You surprised me tonight
cause i haven't been listening
You've been desperately trying
to get my attention

i've been stuck in the
quagmire of my shame and my guilt
hating who i was and who i'm becoming

You surprised me tonight
cause i've been running and hiding
You've been desperately trying
to get my attention

i've been given a gift
for those that i love have been
listening to who they are and who they're becoming

they surprised me tonight
cause while i've been hating and dieing
they've offered forgiveness
You've got my attention

devour

2007-09-06T23:22:00.000-04:00

savagely i search
for anything to consume
take it in, all of it
more, more, more
there isn't enough
i need to devour
all that there is

everything i see
i want to destroy
in my ravenous consumption
there can be nothing but me

fulfill my needs
screw the world
i don't care the cost
any goddamn thing
to satisfy this
gaping whole
that consumes me

everything i see
i want to destroy
in my ravenous consumption
there can be nothing, especially me

fuel

2007-08-21T21:45:00.000-04:00

i'm desperate
i need fuel
anything to feed the
overwhelming fire
that is engulfing my soul
images flash faster
faster than i can comprehend
anything to escape
alcohol
drugs
sex
i don't care
addictions need fuel
fuel fuel fuel
i need fuel
i need it now

breathe

deep

slowly

i can do this

i can do this without fuel

but damn i'm running on empty
just this once
it'll get me through
until next time

i can do this

i can do this without fuel

but am i ready
ready to ask beg plead
for fuel from above?

within my soul

2007-08-03T01:41:00.000-04:00

seemingly out of nowhere
the overwhelming surge of emotion
vehement desire and hostility
engulfs me beneath the raging
waters that are inherent yet
supressed within my soul

desperately i search
the empty voids of existance
enticing desire and carelessness
battle against the calming
waters that are inherent yet
suppressed within my soul

tantrum

2007-07-01T23:25:00.000-04:00

i'm so pissed off that if i were god
i'd destroy the world...the whole fucking universe
how does life go from good to so-so
then from worse to worst
in just the blink of an eye

i'm so filled with rage that if i were you
i'd stay away...i'd stay far away
how do i go from good to so-so
then from worse to worst
i just want to blink my eyes

cause then it'd all go back to
the way it was before i was so angry
fuck that wasn't any better
cause then i'd hold it all in
i just destroyed myself

i'm so filled with rage that i don't know what to do
i want to get away...to hide so far away
why did life go from good to great
then from great to worst
in just the blink of our eyes

alive

2007-06-15T03:42:00.000-04:00

still, seemingly untouched and unmoving,
a surface of unblemished glass ready to envelop,
freezing the air in my lungs, my body goes rigid

i run, as fast as i can, i'm sprinting to get away
from the depths of morning, the ache of life
the ground shakes beneath my thundering feet

i leap into the air, as if to take flight
i poise myself anticipating the rush of water
filled with excitement and fear i break the surface

i am alive

listening to silence

2007-06-10T00:25:00.000-04:00

tonight i could sit and type for days
so filled with emotions desires fears
behind the words i'm reaching out
for i know you're there reading listening
to the words that flutter across my keys
my heart is open for someone anyone to see
desperate to be seen needed loved
please help me i can't face the silence
of the blinking cursor that is before me
are you there can you hear me hello
for fuck's sake answer me please
but that is not your role audience of mine
you're not there for my saving
but for a joined carthardic weeping perhaps hoping
that this too will pass that life will go on
i fucking hope it gets better than
listening to silence

survival

2007-06-10T00:13:00.000-04:00

at times i get so angry
irate over nothing or
something so unimportant
but at that moment more
important than the world

when in the world
injustice occurs everyday
people without food water
children crying dieing
fighting for survival

and i'm pissed because
you didn't make room for me
as i drove our second car
onto the vast highway
consuming fossil fuels
poluting our environment

when in the world
injustice occurs everyday
people without shelter clothing
children orphaned starving
fighting for survival

yet here i sit
surrounded by luxury
all my physical needs met
my children safe and sound
fighting for survival?

forsaken

2007-06-09T23:59:00.000-04:00

abandoned, alone, and afraid
left me disrupted, detached, desperately
searching for someone to soothe,
calm, connect with my calamity

instead an insurmountable
silence

desperate to disappear
i'm terrified, trembling,
anything to appease this ache,
this eternal emptiness

my god, my god why have you
forsaken

me

a new path

2007-04-25T21:40:00.000-04:00

as we go our separate ways today
i'm thankful for this road we've shared
this stretch of the journey
has been filled with rest and care
for as i walked, you walked too
as we told our stories
we shared our souls - unexpectedly, thankfully
though our paths will be apart
i walk away a better man
so it is not goodbye i leave you with
but a heart full of gratitude
i pray as we each start down this path
a new strength and wholeness may be found
knowing that, for a little while,
we walked along together

silence

2007-04-05T00:58:00.000-04:00

.

why does it disturb me so?

being alone

2007-04-03T01:01:00.000-04:00

what is so hard about
being alone
why do i run away from
being alone

when i'm with myself
i want to run away
to hide from all that i am

what roles have i played
in shaping what's left of
who i was created to be

glimpses of who i was
before i came along
leave me all the more angry
that i'm not that today

why can't i be ok with
being alone
what is so hard about
being alone

tsunami

2007-03-22T22:57:00.000-04:00

i feel
the wave
no the tsunami
coming to overtake me
i don't know what to do with it
the rage comes overwhelming me
seemingly from nowhere it overtakes me
enveloping my mind, my body, and my soul
i feel the rise of adrenaline surge from within me
my pulse quickens, my hands quiver, my lungs constrict
i want to throw things, destroy things, obliterate things, decimating me
where the fuck does this come from? how long can i hold it in? god damn it!!!
what am i supposed to do, overcome with a desire to destroy, as i sit surrounded by people
people who don't know who i really am, what i'm really going through, what i desire
so i write and write and write and somehow desperately cry out in this moment
please god let it pass bring peace bring freedom bring rest from me
i can feel my body relax i want to weep to run away to hide
jesus christ make it stop just make it go away
make this part of me go away
i can't do this by myself
god i need to get away
hide from my own
destruction
god help
me

here with myself

2007-03-22T22:49:00.000-04:00

as i sit here with myself
i am without so much
that i have used, abused,
and relied upon daily
in order to be elsewhere
as i sit here with myself
i am desperate without that
which i have used, abused,
and relied upon daily
god i want to be elsewhere
as i sit here with myself

so brief

2007-03-13T02:24:00.000-04:00

a conversation
an email
a phone call
a hug
a kiss
a moment
so brief
yet filled
with care
with love
with peace
with life
with hope
with God

depression

2007-03-11T13:50:00.000-04:00

incapacitated
wanting
anything
nothing
together
touch
ocean's
depths
into
eternity

orison

2007-03-08T21:25:00.000-05:00

i know not what i need
i know only that i need
desperately i cry out

i know not what it's for
i know only what i lack
desperately i cry out

i know not Your desires
i know only that i am empty
desperately i cry out

i know not my future
i know only my tears
desperately i cry out

i know not peace
i know only war
desperately i weep

escape

2007-03-03T00:34:00.000-05:00

why do i so desperately
want to escape all that is
was and will be

what do i so desperately
want to have that is not
was not and won't be

when o god cause i so desperately
want to know all this is not
was not and won't be

why do i so desperately
want to escape all that is
was and will be

sinking

2007-02-15T21:37:00.000-05:00

suddenly
unexpectedly
i want to sink
sink below
the cold, cold waters
to let them
envelop me
overtake
cover

quickly
overwhelmingly
i want to sink
sink below
the cold, cold waters
to let them
overcome me
conquer
hide

sometimes sinking
isn't a nightmare
but a fantasy

why?

2007-02-08T21:53:00.000-05:00

what are you hoping for
as you click upon this link?
what will you find?
what are you looking for?

nothing but unedited text
is what you'll find here
the reality of all that is
not brought on a daily basis
between you and i

so, what is it that you're hoping for
as you read my soul?
what will you find?
what are you looking for?

choice

2007-01-10T02:16:00.000-05:00

to not move on, but forward
to not wallow, but grieve
to not forget, but remember
to not indulge, but sacrifice
to not give up, but fight
for myself, my wife, and children

surrender

2006-12-14T14:28:00.000-05:00

not a white flag
but prepared for more
'cause this surrender's
gonna be a war

letting go of control
letting go of all i know
turning to Him
turning away
from all i've known

not a white flag
but prepared for war
this is the only the beginning
of the war for my heart and soul

standing up for me
standing against the evil
lurking in the darkness
lurking in my soul

not a white flag
but prepared for war
i'm surrendering control
i'm surrendering

the dream

2006-12-09T02:22:00.000-05:00

you're driving, i'm riding
along the coast, or the 520 bridge
the storm comes on strong
wipers on high, can't clear our view
of the water rising

waves cresting, crashing
five, six, eight, ten feet tall
upon the crumbling road ahead
i'm starting to panic at the sight
of the water rising

our boy is snug in his seat
unknown terror that awaits us
i have no control over this
before we change course, we hit a wall
of the water rising

we're engulfed by darkness
trapped by the cold water
that is my uncontrollable rage
i am jarred awake, hyperventalating
scared to death of the darkness and
of the water rising

hold so tightly

2006-12-09T01:34:00.000-05:00

cold cold water surrounds me now
and all i've got is your hand
lord can you hear me now?
or am i lost?
no one's daughter allow me that
and I can't let go of your hand
lord, can you hear me now?
or am i lost?
don’t you know i love you
and I always have
hallelujah
will you come with me?
cold cold water surrounds me now
and all i've got is your hand
lord.. can you hear me?
or am i lost?

Damien Rice, "Cold Water," O

----------------------------------

i hold so tightly to your hand
because then I know you're there
your love denies my emptiness
and reminds me of God's grace

i hold so tightly to your memory
because when you're not there
your love affirms my strength
and reminds me of God's face

i hold so tightly to your hand
because when the cold water rises
your love keeps me afloat
and reminds me of God's grace

despair and hopelessness

2006-12-08T03:12:00.000-05:00

i've been told that my words are
filled with despair and hopelessness
i suppose if you only had this blog to go on,
you might not see more of me
but suppose that this blog is merely
a reflection of what is going on inside
of times where I am in despair and feel hopeless

can you not connect with those feelings inside?

i do hope for more in my life than despair and hopelessness
that's not the end of my story, just a chapter, maybe only a page
but i don't know for sure because the rest of the story
is being written each day...

it unfolds as i choose life over darkness
it unfolds as i sort through the lies i've been told
it unfolds when i succumb to the lies and fail
it unfolds when i emerge victorious and shine

my life isn't encapsulated in the text on this page
nor is my relationship with God
the one thing i walk away with is a realization that
i don't praise him enough when things are good
nor do i post that praise on this imaginary space

i don't need the imaginary readers that stop by
and read my words when i'm in despair
i have my friends, my wife, my son, they are enough
but in the times when things aren't good
and i struggle with turning to relationship
to experience the incarnation of God in the face of the other
that i turn to a faceless other on the Internet

i find my texts here, harsh, hard, and yet honest and real
how ironic that the very first responding post on my blog
is from someone who can't handle my despair
that certainly isn't what i expected

i hope for continued dialogue and relationship
but i don't think it will be likely
i hope that the imaginary other, my anonymous brother
will continue to visit my ponderings and posts
as i journey towards healing

i'm trying

2006-12-07T00:28:00.000-05:00

i'm trying desperately to hold on
to hold on to the faces that have cared
that have cared and shared so much
shared so much of my darkness and pain
darkness and pain that overwhelms my soul
overwhelms my soul on a daily basis
on a daily basis i'm trying desperately

twinkling lights

2006-12-05T19:29:00.000-05:00

twinkling lights

around the room

so festive and pretty

fill the spirit with joy and love

beginning to pull away

seeing the chaos

of each light blinking in and out

into the absurdity of darkness and separation

makes me want to scream out

don't you see what's going on

so festive and pretty

so removed from my reality

paper mache

2006-11-16T19:50:00.000-05:00

come all ye lost
dive into moss
i hope that my sanity covers the cost
to remove the stain of my love
paper maché
come all ye reborn
blow off my horn
i'm driving real hard
this is love this is porn
god would forgive me
but i...i whip myself scorn scorn

[taken from i remember by Damien Rice]

soul war

2006-11-09T15:16:00.000-05:00

there's a war going on inside my soul

battling to destroy me

battling to restore me

I'm on the brink of destruction

hiding to survive it

hiding to escape it

will I call out for reinforcements?

or succumb to isolation?

no matter what I do the battle rages on

nothing

2006-10-14T15:18:00.000-04:00

nothing

nothing good will come of this

no matter what i try

wtf

2006-10-11T20:07:00.000-04:00

what the fuck is going on inside
this fucked up little head of mine
all i want is to escape it all
all i want is to rage it all
i think i'm better and then i'm not
it's so fucked up i wonder how i got

nothing seems to fit but
fuckin' a
what am i escaping
what am i raging

all i know it feels fucking bad
but as i write it feels a bit better
yet i know that its only
a momentary lapse in time
from this fucked up world of mine

just make it stop
please can't somebody
can't you just make it stop
get the fuck out of my head
before i fall apart and end up dead

one more

2006-10-04T23:44:00.000-04:00

one more drop
one more glance
one more second
one more pill
one more cut
one more moment
one more line
one more hit
one more escape
one more time
just one more
to take it all away
just one more

rhyme & reason

2006-09-30T01:26:00.000-04:00

Rhyme & Reason
Dave Matthews Band
Under the Table and Dreaming

Oh well oh well so here we stand
But we stand for nothing
My heart calls to me in my sleep
How can I turn to it
'Cause I'm all locked up in this
Dark place - and I do not know
I'm good as dead
My head aches - warped and tied up
I need to kill this pain

My head won't leave my head alone
And I don't believe it will
'Til I'm dead and gone
My head won't leave my head alone
And I don't believe it will
'Til I'm six feet under ground

How long I'm tied up
My mind in knots - my stomach reels
In concern for what I might do or
What I've done
It's got me living in fear
Well I know these voices must
Be my soul
I've had enough
I've had enough
Of being alone
I've got no place to go

Chorus
. . . In my grave
Lying wired shut and quiet in my grave
Leave me here
Leave it to me to waste here

So young here I am again
Talking to myself
A t.v. blares
Oh man oh how I wish I didn't smoke
Or drink to reason with my head
But sometimes this thick confusion
Grows until I cannot bare it all
Needle to the vein
Needle to the vein
Take this needle from my vein my friend

Chorus
. . . In my grave
Lying lying cold in my grave
Reason - my reason
Take my head off this terror
I'm fearing I'll come back
I'll see
My mind's all wiped clean
The needle
Make my great escape
I'll see the cold in time
My head leaves me behind
Let me fade away

I seem caught in time
My head leaves me behind
Body falls cold
And I see heaven

addiction

2006-09-21T15:41:00.000-04:00

cogs turning
spinning spiraling
machine in motion
does not stop
revolution revolution
crushing churning
machine in motion
does not stop
revolution revulsion
crushing my soul

dissociate

2006-07-12T00:57:00.000-04:00

i've got to pull back
it's way too close
i've got to forget
the door must close

i'll put it all back
i've come to perfect
my ability to forget
pretending all is perfect

i don't want to go back
to the life i once knew
where i tried to forget
this shame that I know

these eyes of mine

2006-06-26T16:02:00.000-04:00

these eyes of mine

take in all that surrounds

how much is missed

in the blink of an eye

these eyes of mine

take in all that surrounds

how I love to see

all that you mean to me

these eyes of mine

take in all that surrounds

even now, so far away

I see you smiling here

these eyes of mine

take me there

even now, so far away

I see you smiling here

plane

2006-06-15T00:22:00.000-04:00

in only a moment
a sea of red clouds floats past
we’re racing the world below us
in only a moment
time speeds faster than the world turns
like a film in fast forward
the sun can’t keep up with us and suddenly
it is tomorrow
when only a moment ago
it was today
in only a moment

courage

2006-06-05T12:09:00.000-04:00

palms sweating
stomach knotting
fear overtakes me
run away
far away
don’t look back

you’re weak
you can’t do anything
fear overtakes me
it’s hopeless
you’re hopeless
why bother?

no
that’s not true
I will stand firm
I will step forward
I have hope for the future
I can make a change,
in my life and the world,
for the better

seventy times seven times

2006-06-02T14:07:00.000-04:00

forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive forgive

movement

2006-06-02T12:16:00.000-04:00

goodness
injury
anger
rage
lust
grief
story
grief
lust
rage
anger
injury
goodness
forgiveness
everlasting life

where to start?

2006-05-12T12:36:00.000-04:00

There are no street signs
To tell me what to do.
No easy to follow guide,
Or simple set of instructions,
That explain how to love you.

I desire your heart
And want to offer mine.
But what are we to do?
Our hearts are heavy
With the burdens of time.

I’ll always love you
With all of my heart.
I know that you’ll love me, too.
I just wish I knew in all this mess
Where in the world to start.

in 10 years...

2006-04-26T03:21:00.000-04:00

at 18
I wondered what life would be like
at 28
I’d have a
great job
great house
a beautiful wife
and maybe kids

no worries
life would be so easy
when I was independent
on my own
free

at 28
I wonder what life is really like
at 28
I’m blessed to have a
great job
great house
a beautiful wife
and a gift of a kid

but there have been worries
~I’ve left my job and my home
~held tight to my wife
~as we’ve lost two kids
~struggled to pay the rent
~make ends meet
~and sleep through the night
life has not been easy
now that I’m independent
on my own
but thankfully not alone

an ending

2006-04-17T22:41:00.000-04:00

My mind is blurry, as are my eyes,
You've cared so well for me,
But its time to move on.

What will tomorrow look like,
As we pass by and say hello,
Will there be enought time to know each other?

So many thoughts leave me spinning,
Fighting within my own mind
Between my darkness & shame and your loving care.

Thank you for leaving
My mind blurry, as well as my eyes,
You've caredso well for me,
I'm saddened to move on.

birthdays

2006-04-06T19:58:00.000-04:00

Woo hoo
Let’s celebrate
The life that has turned so sour
Why is it that we do

Am I a pessimist to think such things?
Am I wrong?

No.
I’m hurting.
And I want to escape.
Only I can’t.
I need you to help me because
I can’t do this alone.

numb

2006-04-06T19:54:00.000-04:00

Make it all go away
I don’t want to know
I don’t want to remember
Drown it out

There is nothing good from this
Nothing worth the pain

Make it all go away
I don’t want to be better
I don’t want to remember
Drown it out

There is nothing good from this
Nothing worth the pain

Make it all go away
I can’t do this alone
I can’t make it better
Drown it out

There is nothing good
Numb my pain

questions

2006-04-03T13:11:00.000-04:00

Why did you choose me?
Why did you pursue me?
Why did you ask?
Why didn’t you just take?
Why did you use me?
Why did you abuse me?
Why did you?

against the current

2006-04-03T06:47:00.000-04:00

I'm trying to work as the flood hits,
Images envelope me, the current is enticing.
Why don’t I just let go, get swept away?
Numb my tired, aching body, meld with the cold waters.

Only I would get pulled under the current,
The quickly moving waters would overtake me.
Would I drown, who would be there for me?
It’s cold in the waters, when you’re holding fast
Against the current.

sweet redemption

2006-03-28T00:24:00.000-05:00

words cannot express my thanks
for you held me close
when I was broken and bleeding

you took my darkness
you filled it with light
oh how sweet your love is

words cannot express my thanks
for you held me close
when I was broken and bleeding

shame

2006-03-27T14:01:00.000-05:00

lonely
hiding
empty

self-hate
self-injury
self-destruction

no end
no hope
no answer

together
self-care
hope
FREEDOM

falling down

2006-03-24T11:00:00.000-05:00

I feel the Earth spinning beneath my feet
How can all of you keep walking without
falling down...

It's spinning too fast I can't stand up
Please help, please catch me, I think I'm
falling down...

No wait, don't go, I'll hit the bottom
Oh God here it comes, I just can't stop
falling down...

20/20

2006-03-24T10:45:00.000-05:00

My eyes don't work
I need a new pair
I don't see the world around me
It's supposed to be there

Please help I don't like what I see
I feel all alone, there's nobody here
My eyes don't work
I need a new pair

What's that doc,
My eyes do work?
I want my old pair

no longer

2006-03-22T13:25:00.000-05:00

time slows
color greys
light dims
sound fades
i am no longer here

you may see me but
you can't see what i see
you can't see what i'm faced with
i am no longer here

the world falls away beneath my feet
the ground slams into me when I hit
i am no longer here

i am face to face with him
i wish i was no longer here

i wish i was no longer here