wtf
what the fuck is going on inside
this fucked up little head of mine
all i want is to escape it all
all i want is to rage it all
i think i'm better and then i'm not
it's so fucked up i wonder how i got
nothing seems to fit but
fuckin' a
what am i escaping
what am i raging
all i know it feels fucking bad
but as i write it feels a bit better
yet i know that its only
a momentary lapse in time
from this fucked up world of mine
just make it stop
please can't somebody
can't you just make it stop
get the fuck out of my head
before i fall apart and end up dead
this fucked up little head of mine
all i want is to escape it all
all i want is to rage it all
i think i'm better and then i'm not
it's so fucked up i wonder how i got
nothing seems to fit but
fuckin' a
what am i escaping
what am i raging
all i know it feels fucking bad
but as i write it feels a bit better
yet i know that its only
a momentary lapse in time
from this fucked up world of mine
just make it stop
please can't somebody
can't you just make it stop
get the fuck out of my head
before i fall apart and end up dead
posted by Warring Counselor at 8:07 PM
5 Comments:
Brother,
I'm not sure what's going on up there at Mars Hill. But if this is the correct entry for a MACP student, needless to say i won't be looking for a reference to any alumni counceling practices. Your general blogs leave me with a sense of despaire and hopelessness. What about Paul's call: "forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead", and rather "press on toward the goal for the prize of the (AH) upward call of God." (Phil 3:13-14). Not to mention the obvious "Let no (BQ) unwholesome word proceed from your mouth..." (Eph. 4:29). Your thoughts/explainations would be appreciated. concerned.bro@hotmail.com
Originally I decided to delete this posting, as mentioned in my response to "concerned.bro". Instead, I've decided to post my repsonse to him. I still may delete the post, but I haven't fully decided. Here's my response:
------------
Concerned bro -
Thanks for being willing to enter into conversation with me regarding my blog/this post. I'm filled with many thoughts and emotions right now and I'm not sure what to say/do.
First, I hadn't realized that my blog had been on the MHGS site until just yesterday. I removed the post, not because I don't/can't stand by what I've written, but because out of context, it isn't something that is any reflection of MHGS, but of my life. I want prospective students or people wanting to know more about the school to hear our voices, but with out the context of my story, the post is very open to judgement.
So here's a little context: I've used by blog as an anonymous way to deal with the overwhelming feelings/affect that come from entering into the painful, shameful, pieces of my story. We all have them, though most of us aren't willing or want to go there. It's been much harder than I expected.
I am not a counselor. I am a counselor in training. I do not have my MACP. I do not have a strong Biblical background. But I'm learning. I care deeply about my own health and well being and that of my family and someday will for my clients. I would hope that you do not judge every counselor from MHGS based upon my journal entries. I moved across the country to enter MHGS's MACP program. I left my church, my extended family, sold my home, and moved 2,000 miles with a one month old son, my wife, and my dog. MHGS is more than one person's blog. Please consider that.
If my blog leaves you feeling despair and hopelessness, then you know how I have felt. I have experienced some very painful things in my life. I spent years covering them up and hiding from them. I am only now beginning to work through them in counseling myself. How can I ever counsel another person, if I have not delved into the painful places that I want to hide from? I feel like I'm offering you more than I need to since I have (at least I think) no existing relationship with you. I'm risking a lot here. I say that not out of spite, but a willingness to converse about what this has been like for me...I'm offering you a lot of me, what will you do with it?
I know nothing of your story, your context for finding/reading my blog. What were you expecting to find? What were you hoping for?
My intent is not to offend. Which again, is why the "WTF" post has been removed. I am now considering if I want my blog on MHGS's website. I know that I am a good man who is battling evil to reclaim his past.
What about the rest of Philippians chapter 3? I felt shamed and attacked by your use of the scriptures. I didn't grow up in a Reformed or Evangelical church, so I had to look up the chapter. Did you? Or are those Christian addages that you've holstered over the years? I love the Bible and the Truths it offers for life. But I hate its misrepresentation. Do you know the context of your quotes? Do they apply to me?
7But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. 8What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ 9and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. 10 I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, 11and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.
Pressing on Toward the Goal
12 Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
Emphasis above is mine. I haven't spent much time in Philippians as of yet in my life, but those verses hold so much Truth to me! In my counseling work and life, I am entering into fellowship with others. It hasn't been easy, there has been suffering. Healing is not a wave of a magic wand...it is a process and it is relational. It requires heavy work and time.
Ok, phew! I wrote a lot...thanks for sticking with it. This was pretty much stream of thought, but it's kind of hard to "converse" over email. I'd seriously love to hear from you. I hope that you continue to explore MHGS, its students, staff, teachings, beliefs, etc.
Shalom -
Mike
Mike, my good friend...one who reminds me of the power of truth. I am continually amazed by how uncomfortable it is for many of us when we are faced with raw, honest, and ultimately disturbing emotions. But I have never been more moved, transformed, and freed than in those moments. Truth is a funny thing, but I am convinced it is a dynamic thing, and the stuff of souls. You grieve intensely, you feel deeply, and in the little I know of God, I can definitively say God is found there and glorified in your brutal honesty.
It is so sad that we live in a society that rewards the "strong silent" types...men are expected to "man up" and "power through". Thank you for exhibiting true strength. Please do not censor your blog, your outlet. If even one other person is invited into their struggle by your words, a life is changed. love ya friend.
Hey thanks for sharing your thoughts. MHGS is the right palce for you
Bob
Thanks Meghan for your friendship and support.
Thank you, too, Bob for the affirmation...and for joining the conversation.
Hope you have a happy holiday season...
Shalom,
Mike
Post a Comment
<< Home