forging ahead

I have decided to start another blog. Go here for more info:

http://intentionalspace.blogspot.com/

the derailed train of my thoughts

it's been a long time since i've written anything here
sharing my heart, silently screaming to those who care,
to those who check here now and again when work is too much
when their lives are too full, and a little dose of the other
is needed to escape the reality of life, to sincerely check in
to wonder, to explore, to peep at the heart of one who does
his best to offer it honestly, truly, without holding back

so here i sit, in the middle of nowhere, wondering
how the hell did i end up here
i miss Seattle
i miss my Friends
i miss The City, the culture, the people
i miss the business, the climate, the water, the mountains,
what I wouldn't give to wake up and see Rainier,
to have papers due, to have topics to discuss,
to have reading groups, to have anything of the life that i once knew

i miss my Friends
i miss Seattle
i feel all alone
in the middle of a frozen tundra
with no one who knows me
with no one who knows what the fuck
to "pursue" means let alone to actually
pursue
me

damn transitions are hard
i am only a student on paper,
earning my final credits,
i think i had forgotten how difficult,
and shallow the rest of the world was
outside the walls of MHGS

God i want take the blue pill,
can't i take it all back?
because the path i've gone down is
irrevocable
inconceivable
isolated
impossible

what am i to do?
i'd do anything for
hope
direction
connection
meaning
community

God give me
something
anything
a sign
a nod
a wink
a nudge
a point in the right direction
a hint that i'm ok
a feeling
a purpose
a hope

a hope

God give me hope

just a little hope

please, God, give me hope

numb

why is my default mode always return to me being
numb
what is it that has made me so desperately desire to be
numb
i'm getting so sick and tired of always wishing i were
numb
and what is it that i even want to escape from
numb
today was a good day full of life and energy
numb
but something nagging clawing in the recesses of my mind
numb
desperately wants for me to be nothing but
numb
why does this underlying current become a tidal wave
numb
Goddamnit i just want it to go away
numb

numb

numb
please make it go away
numb

numb

numb

numb

numb
please make me go away

comfort

i take comfort knowing
that you're always here
no matter what i do or say
at the end of the day
you'll be there with me

so thank you for sticking by
as i fumble through my new life
my defenses are down
it scares me to death
and how how i mess it up

i take comfort knowing
that you're always here
no matter what i do or say
at the end of the day
you'll be there with me

soon

dear boys,

soon. soon you will have your daddy back. soon we'll get to interact and play. daddy's learning how to put you first, but i'm not too good at it yet. trains and cars seem so unimportant to me some days, but i know they're one of your favorite parts of the day. i don't want you to grow up in front of the t.v., yet how often do i plop you there? soon. soon life will return to normal - though this is the only life you have known. daddy won't be too busy soon. daddy wants to spend so much more time with you. soon. soon.

love,
daddy

more words when i have none

Mad World
Gary Jules

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, Worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going nowhere, Going nowhere

Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, No expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrows
No tomorrow, No tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which i'm dying, Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its a very very
Mad World, Mad World

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
And they feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, Sit and listen

Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, No one knew me
Hello teacher tell me whats my lesson
Look right through me, Look right through me

And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which i'm dying, Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very very
Mad World, Mad World

Enlargen your world

Mad World

reconstruction

the buttresses have be knocked down
what's left is barely standing
if the earth shakes or wind blows
the whole building might implode

but its worth saving, this broken temple
reconstruction isn't nearly as quick
as the wrecking ball that swept away
the cracked, hazardous supports

the question is, whether or not
what's left will keep standing
while the slow, toiling work of
redemptive reconstruction occurs

worth a listen

these songs have been on repeat in my head these days, thought i would share...




Falling Slowly
Glen Hansard


I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You've made it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along






Waiting for a Superman (Is it getting heavy??)
The Flaming Lips


Asked you a question
I didn't need you to reply
Is it gettin' heavy?
But they'll realize
Is it gettin' heavy?
Well I thought it was already as heavy
As can be

Is it overwhelming
To use a crane to crush a fly?
It's a good time for Superman
To lift the sun into the sky

'Cause it's gettin' heavy
Well I thought it was already as heavy
As can be

Tell everybody
Waitin' for Superman
That they should try to hold on
Best they can
He hasn't dropped them
Forgot them
Or anything
It's just too heavy for Superman to lift

Is it gettin' heavy?
Well I thought it was already as heavy as can be.

Tell everybody
Waitin' for Superman
That they should try to hold on
Best they can
He hasn't dropped them
Forgot them
Or anything
It's just too heavy for Superman to lift

deep

today it sank deep, the realization
that three years isn't really enough
when your world has been transformed
and life has been turned upside down

so i wept
deeply
because i was
broken hearted
tired
scared
uncertain

today it sank deep, the realization
that all i have come to know and believe
the community that i've grown to love
will all be over in just five months
and i don't know what to do with that

nothing left

i've got nothing left
to give
to offer
to try
and i don't think i even care

it's the same thing
over and
over and
over again
so why should i care

nothing changes regardless of
what i do
what i say
what i try
i just want it all to be done

while i'm at it

just thinking about you makes me come close to losing control
i want to tell you that i fucking hate you that you suck at your job
that all i am and was to you is a paycheck and that i was too much for you
you didn't know what to do with me so you did nothing
i think i scared the shit out of you and you were too afraid to tell me
i was too much like you and you couldn't handle it
or is it that you really don't have any fucking idea about what you're doing?
you obviously don't give a shit since it's been a month without a word

so what do i do now, huh?
what the fuck do i do?
i'm so fucking angry at you, but i've never been someone to say it
i bottle it up inside until i explode, usually only harming myself in the process
you're not fucking worth that
why did you just let me go?
why didn't you come after me?
thanks for nothing

heavy

i don't know what to do
with the weight of so much
that is unknown yet known
all too well

it seems that it's holding
stronger pushing further
into the depths of darkness
that is unknown yet known
all too well

i come so close to giving in
if i let go i'll explode
so i hold on tighter
desperately grasping at control
like grains of sand slipping
through my clenched hands

tighter and tighter i squeeze
grinding my teeth and my soul
trying to regain control
desperate to prevent the impending
machination of anger and hate
that overwhelms me to the core

i am terrified of what i am
of what i've become
but where the fuck did it
all come from - this all
used to be so neatly buried
but now it weighs heavily
upon my back like the
weight of the world

the weight is so heavy that
i cannot bear it alone
yet i cannot bear it with you
all that is unknown yet
all that i have known
all too well

anxiety is back up

well what do you know
i've done it again
created a lovely little space
where i've got to cram it all in
the stress is seeping from my pours
why do i do this?
am i so masochistic
that i have to repeat these patterns
creating harm after harm after harm?
every post i've ever written is true
i want to consume, rage, destroy
anything...everything
god damn it i get so fucking tired of this

content

why can't i be content
just happy with something anything
not needing more and more and more
cause it seems like
no matter what more i seek
it only leaves me
more empty than i was before

intercession

this weekend i prayed
from the depths of my soul
the rawness of my heart
this weekend i prayed

it's been a long time,
too long, since i prayed
most days i say, fuck it
there's no point, i'm alone
God either doesn't care
or isn't going to do anything
so why bother

but i've come to realize
that i'm amidst God's
blessed night,
and my creator has been
with me through it all

so where do i go from here?
i want to pray
but don't know how,
don't think i deserve it,
and don't know if it matters

so maybe, like in
every aspect of my life
i need you, others, anyone
to pray for me, on my behalf
because i can't do it
i can't do it on my own
whether i know you or not
you're there, maybe
in your own darkness and despair,
but maybe, like me,
you can pray for others,
but not for yourself
God you know our hearts,
why do You make this so hard?