despair and hopelessness

i've been told that my words are
filled with despair and hopelessness
i suppose if you only had this blog to go on,
you might not see more of me
but suppose that this blog is merely
a reflection of what is going on inside
of times where I am in despair and feel hopeless

can you not connect with those feelings inside?

i do hope for more in my life than despair and hopelessness
that's not the end of my story, just a chapter, maybe only a page
but i don't know for sure because the rest of the story
is being written each day...

it unfolds as i choose life over darkness
it unfolds as i sort through the lies i've been told
it unfolds when i succumb to the lies and fail
it unfolds when i emerge victorious and shine

my life isn't encapsulated in the text on this page
nor is my relationship with God
the one thing i walk away with is a realization that
i don't praise him enough when things are good
nor do i post that praise on this imaginary space

i don't need the imaginary readers that stop by
and read my words when i'm in despair
i have my friends, my wife, my son, they are enough
but in the times when things aren't good
and i struggle with turning to relationship
to experience the incarnation of God in the face of the other
that i turn to a faceless other on the Internet

i find my texts here, harsh, hard, and yet honest and real
how ironic that the very first responding post on my blog
is from someone who can't handle my despair
that certainly isn't what i expected

i hope for continued dialogue and relationship
but i don't think it will be likely
i hope that the imaginary other, my anonymous brother
will continue to visit my ponderings and posts
as i journey towards healing