tsunami

i feel
the wave
no the tsunami
coming to overtake me
i don't know what to do with it
the rage comes overwhelming me
seemingly from nowhere it overtakes me
enveloping my mind, my body, and my soul
i feel the rise of adrenaline surge from within me
my pulse quickens, my hands quiver, my lungs constrict
i want to throw things, destroy things, obliterate things, decimating me
where the fuck does this come from? how long can i hold it in? god damn it!!!
what am i supposed to do, overcome with a desire to destroy, as i sit surrounded by people
people who don't know who i really am, what i'm really going through, what i desire
so i write and write and write and somehow desperately cry out in this moment
please god let it pass bring peace bring freedom bring rest from me
i can feel my body relax i want to weep to run away to hide
jesus christ make it stop just make it go away
make this part of me go away
i can't do this by myself
god i need to get away
hide from my own
destruction
god help
me

here with myself

as i sit here with myself
i am without so much
that i have used, abused,
and relied upon daily
in order to be elsewhere
as i sit here with myself
i am desperate without that
which i have used, abused,
and relied upon daily
god i want to be elsewhere
as i sit here with myself

so brief

a conversation
an email
a phone call
a hug
a kiss
a moment
so brief
yet filled
with care
with love
with peace
with life
with hope
with God

depression

incapacitated
wanting
anything
nothing
together
touch
ocean's
depths
into
eternity

orison

i know not what i need
i know only that i need
desperately i cry out

i know not what it's for
i know only what i lack
desperately i cry out

i know not Your desires
i know only that i am empty
desperately i cry out

i know not my future
i know only my tears
desperately i cry out

i know not peace
i know only war
desperately i weep

escape

why do i so desperately
want to escape all that is
was and will be

what do i so desperately
want to have that is not
was not and won't be

when o god cause i so desperately
want to know all this is not
was not and won't be

why do i so desperately
want to escape all that is
was and will be