while i'm at it

just thinking about you makes me come close to losing control
i want to tell you that i fucking hate you that you suck at your job
that all i am and was to you is a paycheck and that i was too much for you
you didn't know what to do with me so you did nothing
i think i scared the shit out of you and you were too afraid to tell me
i was too much like you and you couldn't handle it
or is it that you really don't have any fucking idea about what you're doing?
you obviously don't give a shit since it's been a month without a word

so what do i do now, huh?
what the fuck do i do?
i'm so fucking angry at you, but i've never been someone to say it
i bottle it up inside until i explode, usually only harming myself in the process
you're not fucking worth that
why did you just let me go?
why didn't you come after me?
thanks for nothing

heavy

i don't know what to do
with the weight of so much
that is unknown yet known
all too well

it seems that it's holding
stronger pushing further
into the depths of darkness
that is unknown yet known
all too well

i come so close to giving in
if i let go i'll explode
so i hold on tighter
desperately grasping at control
like grains of sand slipping
through my clenched hands

tighter and tighter i squeeze
grinding my teeth and my soul
trying to regain control
desperate to prevent the impending
machination of anger and hate
that overwhelms me to the core

i am terrified of what i am
of what i've become
but where the fuck did it
all come from - this all
used to be so neatly buried
but now it weighs heavily
upon my back like the
weight of the world

the weight is so heavy that
i cannot bear it alone
yet i cannot bear it with you
all that is unknown yet
all that i have known
all too well