content

why can't i be content
just happy with something anything
not needing more and more and more
cause it seems like
no matter what more i seek
it only leaves me
more empty than i was before

intercession

this weekend i prayed
from the depths of my soul
the rawness of my heart
this weekend i prayed

it's been a long time,
too long, since i prayed
most days i say, fuck it
there's no point, i'm alone
God either doesn't care
or isn't going to do anything
so why bother

but i've come to realize
that i'm amidst God's
blessed night,
and my creator has been
with me through it all

so where do i go from here?
i want to pray
but don't know how,
don't think i deserve it,
and don't know if it matters

so maybe, like in
every aspect of my life
i need you, others, anyone
to pray for me, on my behalf
because i can't do it
i can't do it on my own
whether i know you or not
you're there, maybe
in your own darkness and despair,
but maybe, like me,
you can pray for others,
but not for yourself
God you know our hearts,
why do You make this so hard?

exhausted

i am exhausted
from work
from school
from being a father
from being a husband
from trying to please
from cooking and cleaning
from being patient and kind
from meetings and groups
from reading and writing
from from battling for what is right
from failing and losing the battle
from being in community
from being alone
most of all
i'm exhausted
from just being me

more than i can handle

what am i supposed to do
with the millions of pieces
of me that i hate

the darkness that i despise
is my heart drowning
in the dark cold waters
of my sin, guilt, and shame

i cannot give them to you
because you would hate them too
my darkness isn't nearly
as pretty as i make it out to be

it's easy to describe
all that i hate that is me
in broad strokes that leave behind
no details only blackness

darkness that cannot be
penetrated by your words
or presence or stares
separates me from you

and that is ultimately
all i can handle
you over there

because you, here,
holding the dark brokenness
that is my heart
is more than i can handle

splinters

i.can't.let.go.........................
because.it'll....all...................
......fall...........apart.............
a.......million........little....pieces
...of.my..........darkened.heart...
.........and.soul......................
will.fall............like.shards.of....
......glass.and........................
................no.one.................
.will.....reach............out.........
.......................................
to..catch...........the.falling......
.......................................
s...........i.........t......r.........
.....p..........n......................
....................................s..
...........................e...........
.........l.............................
.......................................
...in..................................
...............their...................
.......................................
.........................hands.......
.......................................

clinging

i'm desperately clinging
to the darkness that engulfs me
to the lies i hide behind
to the self hate that consumes me
to the pain i can't seem to escape

used

how many times have i used you
it doesn't matter who or what you are
but i have
and i do
because all too often
i only think of me
my needs wants desires
if you'll make me better
i'll use you
if you'll make me forget
i'll use you
if you'll let me escape
i'll use you
i'll use you
i'll abuse you
until there is no more you
until there is no more me

grace

You surprised me tonight
cause i haven't been listening
You've been desperately trying
to get my attention

i've been stuck in the
quagmire of my shame and my guilt
hating who i was and who i'm becoming

You surprised me tonight
cause i've been running and hiding
You've been desperately trying
to get my attention

i've been given a gift
for those that i love have been
listening to who they are and who they're becoming

they surprised me tonight
cause while i've been hating and dieing
they've offered forgiveness
You've got my attention

devour

savagely i search
for anything to consume
take it in, all of it
more, more, more
there isn't enough
i need to devour
all that there is

everything i see
i want to destroy
in my ravenous consumption
there can be nothing but me

fulfill my needs
screw the world
i don't care the cost
any goddamn thing
to satisfy this
gaping whole
that consumes me

everything i see
i want to destroy
in my ravenous consumption
there can be nothing, especially me