the derailed train of my thoughts

it's been a long time since i've written anything here
sharing my heart, silently screaming to those who care,
to those who check here now and again when work is too much
when their lives are too full, and a little dose of the other
is needed to escape the reality of life, to sincerely check in
to wonder, to explore, to peep at the heart of one who does
his best to offer it honestly, truly, without holding back

so here i sit, in the middle of nowhere, wondering
how the hell did i end up here
i miss Seattle
i miss my Friends
i miss The City, the culture, the people
i miss the business, the climate, the water, the mountains,
what I wouldn't give to wake up and see Rainier,
to have papers due, to have topics to discuss,
to have reading groups, to have anything of the life that i once knew

i miss my Friends
i miss Seattle
i feel all alone
in the middle of a frozen tundra
with no one who knows me
with no one who knows what the fuck
to "pursue" means let alone to actually
pursue
me

damn transitions are hard
i am only a student on paper,
earning my final credits,
i think i had forgotten how difficult,
and shallow the rest of the world was
outside the walls of MHGS

God i want take the blue pill,
can't i take it all back?
because the path i've gone down is
irrevocable
inconceivable
isolated
impossible

what am i to do?
i'd do anything for
hope
direction
connection
meaning
community

God give me
something
anything
a sign
a nod
a wink
a nudge
a point in the right direction
a hint that i'm ok
a feeling
a purpose
a hope

a hope

God give me hope

just a little hope

please, God, give me hope