surrender

not a white flag
but prepared for more
'cause this surrender's
gonna be a war

letting go of control
letting go of all i know
turning to Him
turning away
from all i've known

not a white flag
but prepared for war
this is the only the beginning
of the war for my heart and soul

standing up for me
standing against the evil
lurking in the darkness
lurking in my soul

not a white flag
but prepared for war
i'm surrendering control
i'm surrendering

the dream

you're driving, i'm riding
along the coast, or the 520 bridge
the storm comes on strong
wipers on high, can't clear our view
of the water rising

waves cresting, crashing
five, six, eight, ten feet tall
upon the crumbling road ahead
i'm starting to panic at the sight
of the water rising

our boy is snug in his seat
unknown terror that awaits us
i have no control over this
before we change course, we hit a wall
of the water rising

we're engulfed by darkness
trapped by the cold water
that is my uncontrollable rage
i am jarred awake, hyperventalating
scared to death of the darkness and
of the water rising

hold so tightly

cold cold water surrounds me now
and all i've got is your hand
lord can you hear me now?
or am i lost?
no one's daughter allow me that
and I can't let go of your hand
lord, can you hear me now?
or am i lost?
don’t you know i love you
and I always have
hallelujah
will you come with me?
cold cold water surrounds me now
and all i've got is your hand
lord.. can you hear me?
or am i lost?

Damien Rice, "Cold Water," O

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i hold so tightly to your hand
because then I know you're there
your love denies my emptiness
and reminds me of God's grace

i hold so tightly to your memory
because when you're not there
your love affirms my strength
and reminds me of God's face

i hold so tightly to your hand
because when the cold water rises
your love keeps me afloat
and reminds me of God's grace

despair and hopelessness

i've been told that my words are
filled with despair and hopelessness
i suppose if you only had this blog to go on,
you might not see more of me
but suppose that this blog is merely
a reflection of what is going on inside
of times where I am in despair and feel hopeless

can you not connect with those feelings inside?

i do hope for more in my life than despair and hopelessness
that's not the end of my story, just a chapter, maybe only a page
but i don't know for sure because the rest of the story
is being written each day...

it unfolds as i choose life over darkness
it unfolds as i sort through the lies i've been told
it unfolds when i succumb to the lies and fail
it unfolds when i emerge victorious and shine

my life isn't encapsulated in the text on this page
nor is my relationship with God
the one thing i walk away with is a realization that
i don't praise him enough when things are good
nor do i post that praise on this imaginary space

i don't need the imaginary readers that stop by
and read my words when i'm in despair
i have my friends, my wife, my son, they are enough
but in the times when things aren't good
and i struggle with turning to relationship
to experience the incarnation of God in the face of the other
that i turn to a faceless other on the Internet

i find my texts here, harsh, hard, and yet honest and real
how ironic that the very first responding post on my blog
is from someone who can't handle my despair
that certainly isn't what i expected

i hope for continued dialogue and relationship
but i don't think it will be likely
i hope that the imaginary other, my anonymous brother
will continue to visit my ponderings and posts
as i journey towards healing

i'm trying

i'm trying desperately to hold on
to hold on to the faces that have cared
that have cared and shared so much
shared so much of my darkness and pain
darkness and pain that overwhelms my soul
overwhelms my soul on a daily basis
on a daily basis i'm trying desperately

twinkling lights

twinkling lights

around the room

so festive and pretty

fill the spirit with joy and love

beginning to pull away

seeing the chaos

of each light blinking in and out

into the absurdity of darkness and separation

makes me want to scream out

don't you see what's going on

so festive and pretty

so removed from my reality